Monday, March 6, 2017

Married for Eternity, but Not For This Life.

Photo by: Jennifer Pahlka via Wikipedia

It wouldn't be long before I took solace with another woman.  I developed an emotional relationship with a girl I had met, and we connected in ways I never had with Swede.  This relationship began as just a back and forth via text message, and quickly grew to meeting up and actually doing things together.  I wouldn't have sex with her though, as I was still married and did not want to go that far.  This didn't stop me from doing other things, and eventually I couldn't take the guilt of partaking in extra marital affairs behind Swede's back.

I remember the day I opened up and explained what had been going on to Swede.  I did so in an attempt to see if we would be able to salvage our relationship.  I cried out to her that our relationship was so bad, that I've made these mistakes and apologized for them.  I was open and honest with what had transpired.  Again, I had not had sexual intercourse with this other woman, but I had been intimate with her.  This drove a wedge that would ultimately lead to divorce between the two of us.  She took the kids, and fled to Utah to live with an Aunt out there.  I stayed in Ohio of course, and through bad advice from my divorce attorney, allowed her to leave.

The relationship I had with this other woman, wouldn't last either, as the guilt from my doings would cause me to end that relationship as well.  I knew deep down inside, that a relationship built on lies wouldn't stand the test of time, so I ripped that band-aid off quickly and just moved on with life.  I no longer went to church, as I just couldn't care enough to do it.  I hadn't actually questioned my beliefs at this point, as I still considered Mormonism to be true.  I just decided I was going to rebel for a bit.  I started drinking and enjoying life.  I never had any freedom really as an adult, so now was my chance to just date and enjoy single life.  Enjoy single life I did, but eventually met the woman that would become my next wife.

I met Allison through work.  I was a police officer and she was a dispatcher.  She was separated from her husband for about a year when I met her and she was going through her own divorce battle.  I was cautious at the beginning of our relationship because I didn't want to get involved with her drama.  I already had my impression of her ex, since he was getting about $1200 every two weeks from Allison since she was the income earner of the two when they were together.  Talk about being ass backwards to everything I had ever been taught.  So, I didn't want to be too serious at the start, until her affairs were in order.

I enjoyed our time together though, and I continued to just be me, and not Mormon me.  I enjoyed kicking back and throwing down a few beers with friends, and I forgot about Mormon life.  Eventually, Allison was fully divorced and had stability, and we became more of an item.  We started to live with each other, which was a big no no for Mormons.  My thought was, doing things the Mormon way ended up doing me wrong, so I'm not going to do it that way this time around.  I wanted to live with the woman I may one day marry first.  If anything should be wrong, then time will tell, but we would give this a trial run before making it permanent.

I couldn't very well go back to church at this point because Allison and I were living together in sin.  So I kept my distance until I decided we would be married.  I proposed, and unfortunately she said yes, and I would once again be a married man.  I started to go back to church at this point and even brought Allison with me on occasion.  I wanted to start doing things right again, and after we were married, I could.  No longer living in sin, I could start taking the steps to get back right in the Mormon church.

It had been a few years after Swede and I divorced now, and my oldest daughter was soon to turn 8 years old, which meant baptism time.  I wanted to perform this ordinance, and not Swede's new husband whom I will call Aussie.  Swede met Aussie online a few months after our divorce, and without ever meeting him in person, flew to Australia and married him.  They then both flew back to America and settled in Texas where my kids would now relocate and live.

I began to speak with my Bishop about my wrong doings in order to get myself right with God.  I had to admit all that had transpired, and at the direction of the Bishop, I was put on a sort of probation while I worked out my sins to be fully forgiven.  During this time I began to study the Gospel again.  This was different than on my mission though, as I wasn't expected to devote my studying to approved sources.

Perhaps it was my love for beer that caused my first questions to arise, but none the less, my earnest studying of the Gospel would become my demise within the Mormon church.

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